Here is a list of U.S. Government departments that DON’T work anymore:
~Department of Energy (D.O.E.) – this agency was started to help keep America strong and free from foreign dependence on energy. At the time of this keyboarding, gasoline is over $4.00/gal. (plus or minus). Oil per barrel is jumping up and down according to this week’s excuse (hurricane, fire, U.S. vacations, 1 out of thousands of rigs broke down, tropical storm, deer crossing, moose crossing, elk crossing, polar bear scratcjomg against a pipe, 9th world dictator made a speech, Wall Street didn’t yawn, some Saudi has a seizure after seeing a woman’s elbow, 3-year old Palestinian boy soldier shot at a gas can, and the list goes on of excuses to raise the price every week.
Entrepreneurs! How ’bout this idea – visualize a black barrel of oil as a bobble head with some number decals to boot. It would be a great souvenir from “Saudi ArobbinUS” with “Robbin’ the USA” sticker on it.
This Department of Energy’s acronym is appropriate (DOE) – they cost the U.S taxpayers plenty of “d-o-e” for no show of usefulness.
We need to fire the cubical perchers that hang out there daily and replace them with a FRESH batch of minds that live outside the boxy cubicle square thing. This department has cost the taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars for what – waiting in line at the gas pumps reading bumper stickers to pass the time.
I need my own space to read my paper, drink my java, talk on the phone and look out the window.
Another thing I have noticed. What’s up at these gas stations that are trying to disguise their pumps with Wal-Mart birds. I know, your are wondering what is a Wal-Mart bird? It’s easy to explain. Imagine you are driving down a not-so-freeway and off in the distance you think you see a large white bird up in a government tree near the side of the roadway (and you are not even in Florida yet). The closer you get the more it looks like a plastic bag instead. That is a Wal-Mart bird my friend. There are other species of these birds as well. My favorite is the yellow one (Dollar General). I’ve seen gray ones, pink ones, blue ones, stripped ones and the rare one – chartreuse (greenish-yellowish for those of you that skipped Mr. Root’s art classes).
DOE still has us paying out billions of dollars for home heating – a technology that hasn’t changed much since we kicked the coal bucket. There are exceptions, those GREEN caring private business sectors that are now doing what DOE should have been doing 15 years ago – coming up with more and more energy-efficient ways of living.
We don’t need a department that parties with the big oil slurping lobbyists. We need people that will THINK “alternative energy –alternative energy – alternative energy” and free up the U.S. from the sand surfers and let them reminisce “back when oil was king” and send them back to their real animal skin tents and camel transports.
~Department of Homeland Security (DOHS)
A department that can say the word “terrorist”, but not “Muslim terrorists” or “Islamic terrorist. When we were in Vietnam we could say “North Vietnamese” or “Viet Cong”. We did not say “people from the north country”. Google lists “Muslim Terrorist” and “Islamic Terrorist” over 500,000 links each. Its a good thing I don’t have a race card to throw down (being Anglo-Saxon) because every time I go through the airports I get searched and frisked. This makes me feel confident that the DOHS employees are at least trying to do their job.
How can you respect a department that can’t say its enemies name? They can’t even search certain suspects in fear of “racial profiling” lawyers and the biased media. Isn’t it puzzling that they have learned from the FBI how to RULE OUT “terrorism” within 5 minutes of an explosion or a plane crash; however, turn around and will spend millions of dollars trying to find out WHAT DID cause the explosion.
Speaking of the FBI, go to their website link and see if you can pronounce the names of most of the criminals on their Most Wanted List. What ever happened to the “good old names” like: Bonnie & Clyde, Baby Face Nelson, “Scareface”, Al Capone, Richard Nixon, secret security document pilferer Sandy Berger (no joke, he was a former Clinton security advisor) and better known as “Sandy Burglar”. If Sandy had of been caught doing this at a public library he would have at least served a little time. It is a good thing his feet and socks weren’t as large as Shakim O’Neal – which gave new meaning to “stocking stuffers”. Entrepreneur! Another idea here, send him some large Christmas stockings for the Christmas holiday season.
So, if you are always on edge about terrorism, just wait 5 minutes and DOHS will announce, “everything is “hunky-dory-and-dandy”, put a feather in your hat and go to the mall store and buy some candy to help keep the economy going.
I hate to repeat myself but, DOHS’ fix kit for a bomb blast or threat is, “A-MUR-CUNS, take your mind off ‘terism’, get out yo money and go to the mall and spend it so we can have tax money to spend. Even buy a house if you can’t afford it.
Come on DOHS, get real. We are fighting with people that behead Americans (with 21st. century swords), hold them up for trophy ops in the name of a god that has 70 or more virgins waitin’, turn around and buy American toys to make remote controlled bombs (cost: $7.99; on sale $5.99) that blow up our M-1 Abrams tanks (cost: $4,300,000 each). That is pocket change verses millions of dollars. Talk about expensive wall mounted toilet seats in space! Do the math DOHS, if you thing the bubble building corrupt financiers on Wall Street did us in, your department is coming in second.
(more to come as it unfolds and unfolds and unfolds)
~Department of the Interior (DOI for short –I’m pronouncing it “doo-e”)
Oh what a mess! They are the ones that introduce animals back into the suburbs to scare the land humans (“who-muns” as a 3-year old pronounces it). It is not enough that we have over populated deer, coyotes out the kazoo, stray dogs and cats that have special rights from Hollywood. This department is not making decisions for the country either, instead it is making decisions such as, “what party should be attended this weekend?” How early should I take off Friday to get ready for the weekend party? And I am not talking “political party” here, I’m talking “Poli-tickle-parties”.
Where did the slogans go that use to adorn the now smelly walls of the Department of the Interior.
“Ask not what my country can do for me, instead ask what can I do for my country.”
They have probably draped party decorations over the slogans. It’s time those Chinese imported party-in-a-box-kits be taken down and sent to a lab for analysis. Be sure and wear rubber gloves.
These “sex for cow grazing rights” and “sex before oil drillin’ rights” policies need to be revamped. DOO-E’s hired help have stepped way out (w-a-y-o-u-t) of their box and have been corralled by the BIG land users and abusers lobby it seems. This gives new meaning to putting the screws to the taxpayers.
In case you don’t know what DOO-E’s function is – here is my summary:
A short list:
~Native American Indians
~Wagon roads (primitive roads)
~Hiking trails that lead you to hungry Grizzly Bears
~National and irrational parks and care of
~Geological surveys (you’re wrong – they are right)
~Land reclamation (after lobbyist rape it)
~Dams (cracks and all)
~Aqueducts (heard anyone complain about getting flooded lately up to their eyeballs)
~Wildlife (not their definition) Teddy Roosevelt would get down from his horse if he knew…
~Mines (DOO-E shows up after the mine caves in)
~Land grazing – DOO-E makes Nebuchadnezzar look good
(65 million acres – yes, 6 zeros) that are mainly in 10 western U.S. states.
~Rumor control -NO! There is not an ILLEGALS LANDRUSH going on in America – it is only a rumor.
~MAKER of Regulations on a whelm (WhelmRegs) – Sometime when you have run out of a good read check out (43 Code of Federal Regulations Part 4100) and (43 CFR 4125.1-1). This act probably makes the U.S. Gov the largest methane gas manufacturer in the world (FlatulenceRegs). Talk about Global Warming problems!
~CHANGER of Regulations on a whelm
~User of “MIC” (an acronym for maintain, improve and custodial). DOO-E is mostly maintaining “C” as of lately and failing in “M” and “I”. Don’t we just love U.S. gov. language.
~Keeper of Guam
~Keeper of American Samoa
~Keeper of Pacific Islands
~Keeper of most of the oil rich land in Alaska
~Keeper of our oil rich coastlines
~Keeper of the keys
~Keeper of National Parks’ restrooms
~keeping forest dry for forest fire devastation
~Keeper and Protector of “dummies as homeowners” that move right in the middle of a dry pine forest
~Keeper of starving wild government horses
~Keeper of United States government fish
~Keeper of United States government wildlife
~Keeper of wildlife refuges
~Keeper of Land for Conservation (oxymoron)
~Keeper of shovels for planning new trees after lobbyist cut’em down
~Keeper of Science and Technology (mostly “evolution” science)
~Keeper of the first woman Secretary of the Interior (2001). It took them 152 years to decide a woman could handle the job.
~Census of animals and birds (used to be Census of people)
~As of late – acceptor of gifts and inappropriate relationships with lobbyists
(to be continued as the soap opera thickens)
~Securities And Exchange Commission (SEC) Note: some think it should be (SICK)
Up front they need a namechange: Exchanging our Security for Blown Home Loans.
A department of employees that was evidently busy counting their profits and watching their “tickers” and allowed the speculators, keyboarders, managers (the crooked ones) on “The Great Wall Street of Corruption”. Also known as “high rise boiler rooms” where they take common people’s money and promise a huge return. Any civilization that puts their faith in Roman columns as support is destined for collapse.
By the way, who ever is in charge of the humungous flag in from of the Wall Street Securities Exchange, turn the American flag upside down since you have practically killed our country.
What is scary is the fact that after the fox got into the hen house and emptied it totally, the political correctors in Washington writes up a weekend law demanding the chicken farmer must subsidize the fox because there “AINT no mo chickens”.
Just think, politicians thought up this three quarters of a trillion dollar fix kit – did this over a weekend – WOW! And us taxpayers have been asking for a Social Security fix and Health Care fix for the last 30 years. Remember also, it took the “Washingtonmoneyyumyums” (washington-money-yum-yums) a whole week to decide to fix Georgia (the country – not the 4th colony of the original 13) with a billion dollar fix kit because Putin Russians invaded them with big metal war toys and damaged their infrastructure. Meanwhile, Putin Russians decided to hightail it out of Georgia and sailed to the warm waters of Venezuela for a vacation – “What USsr Worry!” said the Putin Russians! “Let America fix it with a kit.”
NOTE: Be watchful contaminated cruise ship vacationing Americans – you could run into the Russian Navy while sailing in those blue waters. Don’t expect any Russian life boats coming to the rescue. Communist rhetoric here: “Somebody call 911!” “Honest! We didn’t see that big ship full of Americans in our international right-of-way.” “Call an American insurance adjuster (that talkin’ “lizard?” GEICO) fast and America will fix it.”
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(more to come as America’s dominoes fall)
~United States Postal Service (USPS)
It needs a NAME change. It should be “United Junk Mail Services and Some Mail”.
When I go to my mailbox, I get a ratio of 5:2:1 (five junk, 2 credit card offers, 1 legitimate piece of mail).
I have a system for the junk and credit card pieces. I won’t say because I am afraid it will hurt their “NO feelings”.
(to be continued as the price of stamps go up-up-up-up and away and without helium)
For those of you that sneaked out for a smoke during Chemistry Class and later got jobs as doctors and pharmacists – helium’s definition is:
helium (he·lee·um) n. Symbol “He” – a colorless, odorless inert gaseous element occurring in natural gas and with radioactive ores. It is used as a component of artificial atmospheres and laser media, as a refrigerant, as a lifting gas for balloons, and as a superfluid in cryogenic research. Atomic number 2; atomic weight 4.0026; boiling point –268.9°C; density at 0°C 0.1785 gram per liter.
~U. S. Treasury Department – remember when they decided to redesign the U.S. currency? It was supposed to be counterfeit proof. It isn’t! I have never seen so much new money being scrutinized under the cashier’s eagle eye and marked up with marking pens in all my history. Fire the head of U.S.T.D, fire the design team, fire the department that though up the idea of new money. It has cost taxpayers billions. They are going to print our country out of debt.
(to be continued as the money is redesigned and more confusing)
~Veteran Affairs Administration (VA) – a conglomerate of departments that have been trained to say “NO!” If you won’t go away – delay-delay-delay ’til you give up and go away. A place where records get shredded for no reason and employees don’t know why. A place where 500 signs give you new directions every time you visit their facility (all caps and a small helvetica font). A place where they delay so you will die and go away. A place that thinks they are giving you medical treatment for FREE and to this day they don’t know you have already paid the price for their treatment, many times over. Ever heard the expression, “it will cost you an arm and a leg.”
Veterans can visit a VA clinic and ask for some medical help (example: bad teeth) and if you are not a retired lifer in the military or a purple heart recipient, missing most of your body parts, having a catatonic glaze – good luck on getting your teeth tended to. If a vet has a heart problem such as a pacemaker/defibrillator and you have bad teeth – that is NOT GOOD say cardiologists. Unhealthy teeth indicate bacteria in the blood stream which is not good for your heart condition. I know veterans that get less medical help than dogs and cats at the animal shelter. The next time you see a veteran wearing a U.S. flag – that is a symbol he loves his country , but not the VA.
If you are lucky enough to get a real voice when you call the VA and your conversation goes for 30 seconds or more , the VA employee will tell you, “I’m not going to argue with you….” It never fails, they think you are argumentative. Do you suppose it is frustration and the fact that YOU ARE SICK and this is not a chitchat call from the vet!
The next time you pass a van full of older folks click-clacking down the not-freeway and it has some type of signage on it that usually indicates veterans, or a big U.S. flag decal on the side, military slogans, etc. – chances are that is some sick veterans going to a VA outpatient clinic or VA hospital. The majority of times their destination is hundreds of miles away. These vans operate by volunteerism. The more the VA transports you and delays help for you the better chance of your dying will save the VA money. I’m sure you have heard the expression “hurry up and wait”? In the vet world it is “delay and die”.
If you think you are feeling down and depressed – go visit a VA clinic, look around at all the mangled, hung-out-to-dry war heroes that stood up for their country (WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, etc.) Look around and watch how they are herded like cattle in and out of the departments and talked over and down to, count all the 8 1/2″ x 11″ computer generated signs taped all over the walls giving info and directions that will make one dizzy getting around to reading all of them. There seems to be someone in charge of putting them up , but not keeping them up-to-date and taking them down – it will let you know that your problem is nothing compared to their treatment and situation. As you go in be careful and don’t trip over all the wheelchairs and home made directional signs near the entrance. Joe Biden probably wouldn’t ask anyone sitting in a wheelchair at a VA clinic to stand up please. Joe Biden may be an indicator as to how many “poly-particians” in Washington know about veterans and their conditions. Rule 101: don’t ask a stranger in a wheelchair to stand up.
Washington seems to know what to do with our troops when it comes to calling them up, training them and sending them off to war, but they have no idea as to what to do with them if the make it back.
Another point – Don’t buy anything from the VA vending machines – there is nothing wholesome on the menus not even nutritious. Probably 75 percent of the vets in the lobby are diabetic due to a dioxin “Agent Orange” (AO as it is commonly cussed). “Google it” so you can understand where vets are coming from. I don’t know enough horrific words to describe what these AO manufacturers of Agent Orange poison is doing to Vietnam and Korean war vets. Some have been taken to court for damages.
AO Defendants such as:
Diamond Shamrock Corporation
Dow Chemical
Hercules, Inc.
Hooker Chemical Co. (Hooker is a common name)
Monsanto Corp.
Northwestern Industries, Inc.
North American Phillips Corp.
Occidental Petroleum Corp.
Uniroyal Merchandising Co.
When I say “vets” – I’m including all the armed forces (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corp, Coast Guard). The VA is discriminatory toward the Navy, Air Force, Marine Corp and Coast Guard when it comes to Agent Orange complaints and medical care. Can you say “Tetrachlorodibenzo-p-dioxin” (if not just say TCDD for short), it is a member of the dioxin group, and is believed by many scientists to be the MOST toxic of all synthetic chemicals. Agent Orange came in other Paris designer colors ( blue, green, pink, purple, white) that were sprayed on the fields and jungles of Vietnam by U.S. forces Operation Ranch Hand. It was a type of “Ranch Dressing” Agent Orange got into the salads, the “fresh” water the military drank, the “fresh” milk, the ice cream, the air they breathed, the food they ate, the shower water, the streams they crossed, the jungle leaves they brushed by, the ground they slept and sat on, their laundry, and the list goes on.
The “Blue Water Vets” (Navy vets) even breathed it, drank it from the desalinization systems on board their ship, showered in it and even have some of the same side effects from AO and still the VA discriminates against them. For some reason the Department of Veteran Affairs hasn’t looked up the word “veteran” in the dictionary. Evidently the water flow, air and atmosphere over Vietnam halts at the shoreline and borders.
I’m depressed now after “puking” out these lines of text about Agent Orange and its nightmares (“vomit” or “regurgitate” to you political correctness watch dogs).
P.S. what ever happened to the commission looking into VA hospitals and the treatment (misnomer) that goes on there? I heard they slowly died off due to the mold and mildew. Did another crisis come along and knock it off the soap box and out of the limelight (or is it calcium light)?
P.S. I have got to give the VA some credit. They did give a vet a new cane with a brand new rubber tip. His old cane looked like it had been run over, bent in the shape of an “S” curve, 10 fleaks of paint still hanging on, its tip was now an o-ring, its handle was slick as glass. I saw that with my own eyes. The vet walked out taller and had a Tennesse Walking horse smoothness to his gate.
(more to come on the VA as it keeps shootin’ its own foot)
2 Comments to GOVERNMENT
hooker chemical did not make agent orange, i am a former employee and know that for a fact
Absolutely hilarious. I got some good belly-laughs at this post. Keep it up.